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Chapter 195
What I Wanted to Do Most
Every time she met Ferda, Valdrova thought.
That she wanted to be alone with just the two of them.
They always met as a pair, but it was never completely just the two of them.
Ruri was always wedged in between.
She said to think of her as a folding screen, but how could that be possible?
E ńu̇m а
There were many times she was grateful Ruri was by her side.
Whenever they struggled to bring up conversation topics, Ruri would toss them out one after another, and they could continue the conversation from there.
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But she truly needed time with just Ferda.
Even if they both floundered, she wanted to overcome it with time on their side.
Right now, it was close to the two-person time she had occasionally dreamed of.
'Though the situation isn't right.'
Wѐ b̃n о́v̈ еl Е̇ ǹ uma
They were trapped in a secret room, and Ferda was in immense pain.
Was there nothing she could do?
Valdrova wiped his sweat with her handkerchief that she had prepared.
When he lifted his head, she worried he might scream, but fortunately, he didn't.
Dilarang mengopy novel dari Enuma.id.
Instead, he started to say something.
"You are......."
Ёńúm̂à. i̇ḋ
He spoke.
"The type to keep your mouth shut?"
Me?
Keep my mouth shut?
This was the first time he had asked a question.
'The type to keep my mouth shut?'
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I don't know.
Many people come and tell me their stories.
At first, I wondered if they were counseling with me, but they would just unilaterally spill everything and leave with refreshed expressions.
'Is that not a form of counseling, in a way?'
I don't know how to define it, but that's not important right now.
Valdrova answered for now.
Е̄nü ṁ а
......Nod, nod.
"Right....... You said you spent several months here without speaking to anyone...... so it must be heavy."
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He knew a fair bit about me.
The fact that he wasn't completely indifferent made me happy.
That joy didn't last long.
"Honestly, I didn't like you."
Wе́ b̃n̈о̇vēĺ Ӗ nü m а́
.......
"When you refused the knight position and said you'd live as a laborer, I only thought you were plotting some scheme."
.......
"Those suspicions were brief, though. You weren't that kind of person."
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The Armor Knight lifted her head.
Did he recognize her appearance?
W еb̊ n̈_o̊ ṽ ё l Е̃ṅū m ã
However, Ferda's gaze was by no means born of positive feelings.
Eyes close to disillusionment hurt her.
"And...... I apologize."
?
"I shouted loudly at you. That wasn't something to do to someone who was worrying about you."
Nod.
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Valdrova understood too.
Because she firmly believed Ferda wasn't that kind of person.
Ferda swallowed the hesitation on his lips and continued.
"It couldn't be helped. For some reason...... your figure kept overlapping with hers."
?
"My fiancée, that is."
Е̄ṅ u̇ m̊ a
!!
Valdrova was startled.
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She had thought she was acting as manly as possible.
Though Ruri had said, 'It seems like a game of house children play,' she believed others weren't that sharp.
Could it be that Ferda had known all along?
Seeing Valdrova's reaction, Ferda let out a puff of breath.
W еb̈n.ӧ v̈еĺ Е̂ñǔ mа_
"Right, it's a strange thing. How her figure shows in someone like you."
"......."
"But lately, this has happened often. Do you remember that High Elf?"
Nod, nod.
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"To the point where I felt my fiancée's presence in her, no, in him too."
Ah.
Ŵĕb̊ǹ ô v̀ е̄ l E n̂ u̇ m̃а̃
That's pretty damn disappointing.......
Valdrova fidgeted her fingers and focused on Ferda's face.
Ferda continued speaking.
"The reason I'm telling you this...... is because I feel like I'll die if I don't say these words even now."
It doesn't matter.
She thought anything was fine as long as it had an effect.
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"It doesn't seem that way, though."
The only thing returning was regrettable news.
"My Circle is...... reaching its limit."
"......."
"I have two Circles in my body. Their names differ, but both are things forged from my emotions."
Ferda placed a hand on his Danjeon.
Е̄ n um̄а̌
"The Red Circle is dangerous enough to kill if it stops. But letting it run wild unchecked is even more dangerous."
"......."
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"Right now, one of them is spinning violently."
She was restless.
How could she help him?
Ferda's eyes turned to Valdrova.
Ёn û m̀а
His whole body looked like he didn't know what to answer.
Paradoxically, that very appearance allowed him to continue speaking comfortably.
"Trauma...... that thing seems to show a human what they fear most, what they regret."
"......."
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"Do you know what I saw in that Trauma?"
His throat caught once, wondering if he should say this.
Wеb̃nо̊.v́ ӗ l̃ Е̌ ň.u̇m̊ а
But in the end, he spat it out.
"That person...... ripping out her own heart and handing it to me."
Valdrova's fidgeting fingers stopped.
Her heart felt like it stopped.
Was that horrifying illusion what had tormented him this much?
"The most frightening and regrettable thing for me was that sight."
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Why?
Valdrova desperately swallowed that question.
I never ripped out my heart, nor did I do something so painful.......
'In the end...... it happened because of me.'
Her chest grew heavy.
As heavy as it was, Ferda's breathing grew more ragged.
E n u m̊ а
"I get the feeling today might be the end."
Valdrova found that appearance of Ferda terribly unfamiliar.
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This was a side of Ferda he didn't show her.
And not a side he showed the public either.
She thought Ferda was an incredibly strong human.
The things he made *thud-thud* in his hands were marvelous, and people looked up to him.
Ēn u m̃а
She thought worries were just fences he could lightly jump over.
But she was wrong.
In the end, Ferda was also a human who could break someday.
Something was spinning violently in Ferda's lower abdomen.
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Even as he spoke, the shadows were spinning the Shadow Circle on their own.
He groaned on the bed, pain wringing his insides.
Е̇n̆uḿа̄
"Uugh....... Aah......."
At the moment it peaked, all pain vanished.
A new layer stacked beneath Ferda's Danjeon, piling up just like that.
The moment the knot tied, Ferda felt it clearly.
"Eugh......!"
That terrifying emotion wasn't being resolved; rather, it was trying to dig into Ferda's heart.
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It tried to repeat his future, wandering in aimless anger and hatred.
Ferda's will was firm.
"Just once......."
Rather than becoming a monster, I'll remain human.
"I wanted to call that name again......."
Ferda leaned his body forward and placed a hand on his chest.
Е̂n̈ u ḿ а. іd
Vision blurring, dropping to the floor.
Squeezing out his remaining mental strength to gather mana for suicide.
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"Eleanor......."
"No!"
A clear voice caught Ferda.
The Armor Knight's figure was the last thing caught in his vision.
Ёnŭ m̈ а
She was running toward him.
The difference was, as if tearing out of a shed pupa, her contents were bursting out.
Those contents were intensely red.
"Ferda-ssi!"
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A familiar beautiful voice pierced his ears.
It was Valdrova's.
W е ḃ n о ṽ е̂ l Е n̈ú m̃ а
But he didn't believe it.
This voice would turn back into a man's voice once more.
"I'm right here!"
Ferda's tilting body was supported by a soft sensation.
What he felt from the skin was a sweet fragrance.
If this was real, Ferda was currently doing something incredibly embarrassing and irreverent—burying his face in her chest.
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"I'm right here...... so please, don't hurt anymore......!"
She pleaded with a voice on the verge of tears.
No matter how much time passed, the dream didn't think of waking.
Ferda's hazy eyes looked up at Valdrova.
Red hair, golden eyes, two pairs of horns.
No matter how many times he blinked, the form remained the same.
Еn ü mā
"My light...... Eleanor."
"Yes, I'm right here."
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"How are you here......?"
"Well...... because I've been here from the beginning."
"Here from the beginning, such......."
Ferda didn't believe that nonsense.
Е̂ ǹ_umä
The answer he could barely muster with his barely-held sanity was this.
'Is that so...... am I dreaming right now?'
He wondered if he was being subjected to Trauma.
But strangely, there was no nightmare-like feeling.
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Normally, he'd have to return to his senses immediately.
But ironically, Ferda's reason shouted to stay like this.
Е̃ ñ ǔm̀ а́.і̆d̃
Because of that illusion, the heart the Shadow Circle tried to devour was returning wholly to him.
Like the coziness of finding a warm hut on a snow-covered mountain after being stranded.
'If I won't regret it even like this.......'
Why not follow my desire?
Then there might be a sliver of possibility.
Ferda carefully pulled away from that embrace and stood in place.
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Golden eyes wet with moisture, more beautiful than any jewel.
"Eleanor."
"Yes."
"Eleanor......."
"Yes, y-yes......."
Ferda called her name repeatedly.
Wéb n оv е l̇ Ӗ_ń umǎ
Valdrova tried to lower her head in embarrassment.
"You can't."
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At the sensation of a hand touching her cheek, Valdrova was startled.
Ferda raised his hand and forcibly lifted her face.
"Show me your face."
"N-no......."
Е̌ň u mа̂
"Then please, try resisting."
Valdrova is the Phase of Power.
If she set her mind to it, she could shake off Ferda anytime.
Valdrova didn't resist.
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No, she couldn't.
Those eyes, looking drunk on something.
Wèb́ ǹ о̇ ve ľ Е ň um̀ӓ
Just looking at them made her whole body feel like stone.
On top of that, her heart was pounding so hard she was busy calming it.
Her body moved obediently in Ferda's hand.
Seeing that, Ferda was convinced once more.
"As expected, this isn't reality."
"But I'm real......."
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Valdrova insisted with a sound like a sick chick.
But watching that, Ferda smiled lightly.
"That's why...... I'm a little relieved. If you were real, I wouldn't be able to touch you like this."
Is that...... a relief?
Since Ferda said so, she supposed it was.
"Eleanor. I have something I'm curious about."
W ё bn оv ėl̇ Е n̆ ů mа̀
"Y-yes?"
"The name I gave you...... do you not like it?"
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"Th-that is...... um......."
Valdrova fidgeted.
"Actually...... when Ferda-ssi calls me that, I get weird......."
"Then...... would it be better if I didn't call you that name when I meet you again?"
W̊е̊.b́ňо̌ v ѐ l Е n ŭ m_â
Valdrova couldn't answer.
She couldn't speak easily, feeling like her stomach would turn inside out instead of words.
Instead, she shook her head vigorously.
"I see. Understood."
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"......."
"Will you show me your face?"
Wе̌ b̈ n о̄ v̈ё l Ӗ n̊ ü m̀ ӑ
He forcibly lifted the face she was covering with her hands.
A face flushed bright red, tightly pressed lips, and two eyes.
Ferda felt emotions boiling up as he looked at that.
'It's spinning.'
The Red Circle of Ferda, which the Shadow Circle tried to erode.
It was spinning vigorously.
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'If not now...... I won't be able to balance it.'
Even if it's an illusion, the fact that I love her doesn't change.
Ferda decided to ride this momentum.
"Eleanor."
"Yes."
"What I saw from Trauma...... was you ripping out your heart and giving it to me."
W еb̂n̊о̌ v ė l̈ Е́ n ǔm̀а
"M-my, my heart, you mean?"
"Yes....... Right here......."
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Ferda's empty hand rose and touched Valdrova's flesh.
"Right here, you...... to me......."
"Hic!"
At the bold touch she'd never allow normally, a hiccup burst out.
Е ń üm а.і ď
With a hand on her chest, Valdrova's head spun.
She wanted to run.
She wanted to break through that door right now and run far away.
But then Ferda-ssi wouldn't escape this space, so she had to endure.
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Ferda didn't remove his hand.
His index finger felt the chest's pulse and he smiled faintly.
W e.b n̄ оv̂еl̃ En u m̄ а̊
"Your heart...... is beating. Vigorously."
"Y-yes, it beats, beats, beats......!"
"Eleanor, Eleanor......."
"Yes, yes!"
"I'm glad I could confirm this."
"I-is that so......?"
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"I was scared you'd lose your heart."
At the comfortable tone, Valdrova could briefly set aside her embarrassment.
"Does it not hurt anymore?"
"No. It still hurts."
"Huh? Why?"
"Because of you."
Ӗ n̆ ǔm̀a
"Y-yes?? Then there's a problem......."
"It's fine. It's not a bad hurt."
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The Shadow Circle stops, and the Red Circle above it beats.
"Right now, it's spinning thanks to you."
"Spinning...... is it?"
"This heart that loves you...... is spinning like this in this moment."
Е̊n um̆ á
"Th-that's right......."
"Want to feel it?"
"Yes. ......Yes?"
Before the question of what that meant could resolve,
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Ferda carefully took Valdrova's hand.
His slender, warm hand guided Valdrova's hand.
W̃е̄ b̄ n̂ ӧ_v е̇ l̃ Е̂_ǹu̇ mа
"Can you feel it?"
He carefully brought the hand toward the Danjeon area.
Valdrova's face flushed bright red, and she stammered.
Though through a few layers of clothes, Valdrova felt it clearly.
The rough thing spinning inside Ferda's body flowed into her fingers.
Valdrova realized she had swallowed the Forbidden Fruit.
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She didn't know what to call this, but this action was making her heart race to an unbearable degree.
What should she call this?
Love?
If this is called love, then love is merciless violence, an unbearable calamity.
Boom—.
Eventually, her head exploded.
Еnū m̂ a
Her tongue twisted, and language melted away.
"Eleanor."
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"Y-yes, y-yes......."
"I've imagined you endlessly, but this is the first time it's spun this much."
"Th-that's r-right......!"
"Amazing. Every time I feel it...... but still."
W е́bṅ o vẽ l Ёǹuḿ а́
Regardless, Ferda continued.
"Hatred and anger, those two always tormented me. The lingering regrets torment me too."
Blue eyes wouldn't release Valdrova.
"But this moment is different."
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He said.
"You complete me."
W̄е b́ ñо v̂ e l Е̊n̊ ùm̈ а
Valdrova could understand what that meant.
Because she too often felt that way when with Ferda.
"Eleanor."
"Y-yes......?"
"Could you grant me one request?"
"What......?"
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"When I saw that face of yours, there was something I wanted to do."
A face flushed bright red.
What did he want to do to that face she wanted to hide, worried her flaws would show?
"I was scared you'd hate me terribly, that I'd defile something so pure, so I couldn't bring myself to do it."
"Ph, Ferda-ssi......."
It's already this unbearable, what more does he want to do?
Ѐn̂ um̂ а
Valdrova didn't know what he intended.
But she caught a glimpse of something.
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His moist eyes and lips shining along.
Those lips looked incredibly soft and beautiful.
Her heart, which had been pounding wildly, calmed past its limit.
It was a different dimension from the pounding just moments ago.
Wе̄ b̆ n̆ о̂v̂ e l Е̇nũ m а̊
Ferda didn't wait for Valdrova's consent.
Valdrova didn't resist or refuse either.
She moved as instinct guided.
She lifted her head to match his face and closed her eyes.
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The sensation of Ferda's hands on both cheeks.
Empty lips tingled.
Е n̆ úṁȧ
And so he,
"Eh......?"
Grabbed both of Valdrova's cheeks.
Wondering what he'd do, he just pressed them with his thumbs.
Like kneading rice cakes.
"H-he, heh-a ssi?"
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"Yes."
"Th-this...... is wha?"
"It's what I wanted to do."
His eyes shone purely.
"I always wanted to touch your two cheeks."
"Mmm......?"
Ẅ e b n̂_о̇ vël̄ .Е̂ n̂um̀ а̃
What is this?
What Valdrova waited for was definitely on a different dimension from this.
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It should've been something bolder, not stepping on stairs but leaping over them in one bound.
But she couldn't bring herself to say that.
"They're squishy, hehe......."
Ferda's expression was more comfortable than ever.
Е̌ n ů m̆ а . іď
Can't spit on a smiling face, and seeing that face, language melted away once more.
If she opened her mouth, unsightly babbling would surely spill out.
In the meantime, the something spinning roughly in Ferda's body began to stabilize.
It settled into an even larger, smoother sphere.
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As the form completed, the sanity he'd barely held collapsed.
Valdrova carefully laid him on her chest.
Е̇ ǹu m̊ǎ.ĩ ď
Stroking his head, she whispered.
"Good...... work."
Seeing his comfortable appearance, her heart lightened too.
Ferda's sleeping face looked like a baby's.
Wouldn't it be right to let him sleep a bit more?
She wanted to spend a little more two-person time, but that wish wasn't granted.
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The door that hadn't budged opened again.
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